Hey Look, It's the Rainbow Gang

realnipple.com

2007-08-25T13:08:00.001-07:00

I have an internet website idea I'd like to run by you folks.

It would be called realnipple.com -- which is surprisingly available, by the way. At the website, visitors would be asked to vote and rate a barrage of nipples. First, they would vote on a scale of 1 to 10 how hot they thought the nipple was. Then they would be asked if they thought it was a male or a female nipple. The trick here, of course, would be to isolate the nipples in photoshop but I could probably hire a nipple editor to work on that...

So, if visit realnipple.com in a month or so after the launch, you'll see something like this:

and then you'll vote on how hot it is (like, I think this one is probably a 6) and then you'll select whether you think it's male or female (female!). After you've voted, you'll see the correct sex of the nipple and the average ranking.

Fun, huh?

And while we're talking about nipples, I think now is as good a time as any to mention a wonderful little product I've been using for some time. It's called Nipple Development Cream. My nipples have nearly tripled in size over the last four months and the laydeeez can't get enough. And I've even got a few of them using the juice and the results have been spectacular.

For $88 you can get yourself a can of Double Strength Nipple Development Hormone Cream and watch your nipples groooooowwwwwwww!!!

Along with this ad from Mentos, it's proving to be an awfully nipply weekend for me...

Enjoy your nipples.

Viva Viagra

2007-08-25T02:12:00.000-07:00

Earlier today I saw that new Viagra commercial for the first time. It took me a few moments to recover...

Anyway, I haven't stopped thinking about that 30 second commercial and Viva Viagra is such a catchy tune... It's just your typical impromptu jam session where dudes sing about the how much they want to run home as fast as they can and the joys of popping pills so they won't need to stray from their wives... Yeah, I know. I'm sure I'm not the only person that thinks this commercial is so brilliantly fucked up.

For those of you that haven't seen it, here it is.

Enjoy.

And I know I'm not the first person to question the standards that allow commercials like that to get broadcast on our public airwaves but the Trojan commercial below didn't make the list...

Is it because the commercial is portraying 20 somethings picking up sexual partners at a bar as opposed to wholesome 40 something men singing about popping a pill so they can faithfully boink they wife? Ah, I get it now. See, we'll never see the crossover commercial featuring a guy picking up some lady in a bar and running to the bathroom to pop a little blue pill and smiling confidently into the camera...

If you video chat with me I'll pay $3 towards your boob job

2007-08-06T13:26:00.000-07:00

The best part about letting everyone know whenever I find something weird is that when other people find something weird, they think about me!

Just last night, my gal pal Victoria stumbled upon this matchmaking/FUNdraising/boob augmenting website and thought of me!

At My Free Implants dot com, lovely ladies that want bigger boobs are matched up with generous gents that want to buy them bigger boobs!

Yay!

Women chat with benefactors and post pictures of themselves until they raise enough money to get a new rack. Benefactors can also ask women to wear certain outfits for photos.

Apparently, the best thing about all this is "seeing the newly transformed ladies after the surgery when they return to the website to post pictures of the results. You can take pride in knowing that you helped her improve her self esteem and self image!"

I asked my friend if she would open up an account so she could improve her self image but she said her boobs were big enough and that her self image was dandy. I told her to sign up anyway to see if she could raise some money or so I could chat with benefactors.

She didn't.

So I signed up to be a benefactor and started looking for small-chested chicks to support... I browsed the eager lasses and wondered if the website was started in Portland or something because just about all the girls were white.

Yeah, LAME-O! I mean, where's the Aizhe section?

But maybe only white girls want boob jobs?

Who really knows?

If ya ever forget, the tersts will win, boy

2007-08-02T15:50:00.000-07:00

Oklahoma recently designed a new license plate...

And no, this isn't a joke. They've seriously released a global war on terism license plate.

So... to make light of this very depressing matter, I thought we could play this fun little game...

What would be your vanity plate if you lived in Oklahoma and had one of these hideous plates? You get 7 letters or numbers.

NSYDJOB
KILTRST
FUOSAMA
NVRFRGT
BLD4OIL
4MORYRS
HIL4PRZ

A foot vagina may lead you on the greatest of journeys

2007-08-01T11:02:00.000-07:00

Recently, my friend commented on my page with this photo... Amazing, huh? (But what's that brown thing being rammed in there in the last photo? Anyone?) Anyway, of course, I just had to find the company that sells such a fine product...

I found a lot of foot vaginas, but most of them were clear with some strange purple stuff in them...

Sometimes in life the joy is in the journey rather than the destination... and this is definitely one of those hooray-for-the-journey experiences. Because after hours and hours of searching, I stumbled upon this website: homemade-sex-toys.com.

This site devotes itself to tutorials on how to build cheap masturbation tools.

For starters, there's the melon lover. The important thing about turning a rock melon or honeydew melon into a love utensil is to remember that you're not digging trenches here, people! Keep the hole small!!!

Also, there's the DIY Flashlight toy made from a can of chips, some foam, and a condom! Yay! You can easily hide this vagina in a tube in your mother's pantry.

And finally, they had one tutorial that really left me spinning. Of course you all remember Real Dolls. Well, we all know how expensive those are... so, let's just imagine now for a second that cost was an issue when finding an inanimate sexual partner. Wanna know how to make all the creepy dudes on the block jealous? DIY, of course!!!

With a little know-how and a soldering iron, you're well on your way.

Hot, doncha think?

But, he's GAY!!!!

2007-07-23T09:47:00.000-07:00

The ~~gay~~ blind kid plays foosball, sidesteps deliberately placed obstacles, roller blades, and swims with dolphins.

Unreal.

(Note the reporter's excitement when he scores a goal on the kid... that can't see...)

I kinda wish CBS News had hired this anchor for the story, though...

I hope this little dose of feelgoodiness gets y'alls day off to a grandy of starts.

GOde's Bloody Drool

2007-07-21T14:40:00.000-07:00

Today is a GOde day, I've decided.

So...

Click here to view GOde's personal blog.

In his latest entry Greg Oden discusses his recovery from having his tonsils removed, including these precious sentences on his first night after the procedure:

"I actually ate kraft mac and cheese that night. The next night when i woke up i had a puddle of blood where i was sleeping. It was in the spot where my puddle of slobber is usually at."

Ah, GOde! You poor thing! Feel better, soon.

***

While I'm googling the internets for all things GOde at the moment, I figured I'd post this interview he did with Miss Gossip from Fanhouse I saw a couple weeks back. (She's the blogger that posted an obviously fake P Diddy Draft-Day fashion interview that Sports Illustrated plagarized... Oops!!! Not only did they steal a quote without citing it, they stole a fake quote.)

The Original Fresh Prince Intro

2007-07-20T22:27:00.000-07:00

Ah, it's like the director's cut.

Top movies filmed in Oregon

2007-07-16T20:26:00.000-07:00

The Goonies Action Figures made me think about movies made in Oregon... and so I started poking around. It turned into quite the list. I didn't include for consideration a few movies that were partially filmed in Oregon such as The Shining and Black Stallion. but here's my top 15 in reverse order.

15. The Postman (1997)

"Tell me something: How much mail can a
dead postman deliver?"

On the list because one of the greatest big budget flops of all time deserves to be here

14. Kindergarten Cop (1990)

"It’s not a TUMAH!!!"

Ahnold stars as an undercover cop in a class all by himself. The Big Fella. A pack of kids. A hot mom. Astoria. This movie had great written all over… But potential is often a four-letter word.

13. The Hunted (2003)

What happens when the hunter becomes the hunted?

Probably doesn’t deserve to be on this list but is there for two reasons. 1) On the heels of 9-11 paranoia, prop explosions freaked a ton of Portlanders out who then promptly called the Anti-Terrorist Task Force in to investigate the loud bangs. 2) Me and some friends made my friend some panties with a picture of Benicio Del Torro on them with the quotation “BDT was here” after she went on a date with the hunk.

12. Elephant (2003)

At IMDB for plot synopsis it says: “Plot synopsis is empty.” And while this is true, this movie filmed at Whitaker Middle School is beautifully shot and won the Best Director and Golden Palm at Cannes.

11. Free Willy (1993)

A 12 year old street kid. A 3 ton orca whale. A friendship you could never imagine. An adventure you’ll never forget.

Well, I’ve sorta forgot a lot of Free Willy, to be honest, other than that it was filmed in Astoria and Cannon Beach. I even forgot that it starred Michael Madsen. But this movie is really on here because of Willy (aka Keiko). The movie led to a nation-wide fund raiser to find Keiko a better home which helped move him from an amusement park in Mexico City to Newport, Oregon. Ah, those whales do need a better screen actors guild.

10. Body of Evidence (1993)

An act of love or an act of murder? Well, one thing’s for certain. Madonna makes it clear that it’s not a crime to be a great lay as she diddles leading man, Willem Dafoe, in this film featuring the Pittock Mansion. We all remember the hot wax scene. Don’t we? Or at least remember where we were when we first saw it. Don't we?

9. Apple Dumpling Gang (1975)

First they blew into town… then they BLEW IT UP!!!

Tim Conway and Don Knotts were gods to me as a youth. That’s enough for this movie made in Bend.

8. My Own Private Idaho (1992)

"I 'm a connoisseur of roads. I've been tasting roads my whole life. This road will never end. It probably goes all around the world."

Young Portland boys that live on the streets and sell themselves to men for money and drugs. So true… except I’ve never seen any Portland street kids that look as good as this cast…

7. The River Wild (1994)

The vacation is over.

A large part of this movie was filmed in Grants Pass. This is the movie that made us all realize that Kevin Bacon could play a really wicked bad guy… And props for an early John C. Reilly role.

6. Short Circuit (1986)

"Number Five is alive!!!"

Steve Guttenberg was my third man-crush and this was the first time I thought Ally Sheedy was hot. This movie was filmed in several parts of Oregon, including Portland, Astoria, and the Gorge.

5. Animal House (1978)

"We got to do something… You know what we’re gonna do? Toga Party!!!"

One of the greatest comedies of all time was filmed at a frat house in Eugene.

4. Drugstore Cowboy (1989)

"Don't ever put a hat on a bed!"

The third Gus movie on this list, but probably his best. It was filmed mostly in Portland and many locations and pharmacies around town served as landmarks for this film that received many independent awards.

3. One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (1975)

Filmed primarily in Salem, this movie garnered 5 Oscars and 28 other awards. It is the most celebrated film ever made in Oregon.

2. Stand by Me (1986)

"Mickey’s a mouse. Donald’s a duck. Pluto’s a dog. What’s goofy?"

First, because of this movie, I ran all over town telling everyone that they just screwed the pooch... not really sure what it meant. Second, after watching this movie, I packed a hanky and actually thought about roughing it for a few days up and down the train tracks that ran through my little hometown... but I couldn't convince my pal Mikey to come along and that was that.

It was filmed all over Oregon and nominated for an Oscar.

1. Goonies (1985)

Goonies never say die!!!

"OK! I'll talk! In third grade, I cheated on my history exam. In fourth grade, I stole my uncle Max's toupee and I glued it on my face when I was Moses in my Hebrew School play. In fifth grade, I knocked my sister Edie down the stairs and I blamed it on the dog... When my mom sent me to the summer camp for fat kids and then they served lunch I got nuts and I pigged out and they kicked me out... But the worst thing I ever done - I mixed a pot of fake puke at home and then I went to this movie theater, hid the puke in my jacket, climbed up to the balcony and then, t-t-then, I made a noise like this: hua-hua-hua-huaaaaaaa - and then I dumped it over the side, all over the people in the audience. And then, this was horrible, all the people started getting sick and throwing up all over each other. I never felt so bad in my entire life."

Of course Goonies is at the top of this list. What is there to say?

Honorable Mentions
Without Limits (aka Pre) (1998)
Even Cowgirls Get the Blues (1994)
Mr. Holland's Opus (1995)
Foxfire (1996)
Mean Creek (2004)

The Golden Years

Really, though, 1984 and 1985 were golden years in Oregon filmmaking with Goonies, Stand by Me, and Short Circuit being made in this fine state. Wow. Think about that. When I was just a wee lad, I was in somewhat close proximity to River Phoenix, Corey Feldman, Kiefer Sutherland, Ally Sheedy, Steve Guttenburg, Fisher Stevens, Sean Astin, Jonathan Ke Quan (Dr. Jones!!!), and Joe Pantoliano (Joe Pants!). It’s a wonder I never bumped into any of these folks. But then again, Newberg, Oregon was hardly a hotbed of celebrity activity. The closest thing I had to a random celebrity sighting as a child was seeing Wally Backman walking through Washington Square Mall when I was 8. Of course, I did go to a Kevin Duckworth autograph signing at a GI Joes once. I told him he had big shoes and he told me that was rude.

Anyway, Oregonians. Hope you enjoy a modest exploration of our great state's film history. Perhaps I should turn this into a book...

Data in "S" shoes? Bullshit!

2007-07-16T15:26:00.000-07:00

Heyo.

The movie I'm most proud to say was filmed in Oregon has come out with action figures. (And that's a steep claim considering Free Willy 1 and 2 are on that list, as well as Kindergarten Cop, The Hunted, Stand by Me, Animal House, and Short Circuit, among others.)

But films shot in Oregon is another post. On to the action figures. These are super cool and I really want a Data to put on my desk at work... But a quick question? What kind of shoes are all the kids wearing with the S on them? I would figure it was some sort of licensing thing to avoid paying money to Nike but Sloth's figure is wearing Nikes... Just curious cause it's a little tough to accept Data and Mouth without their sweet kicks.

Poor Little Miss Sunshine...

2007-07-16T13:44:00.000-07:00

The choreographer for America's Junior Miss national finals has been arrested for allegedly having sex with underage girls. He allegedly drugged them with Ecstacy and had sex with the girls on several different occasions. One 16 year old came forward and gave names of other alleged victims. The accused, Georgio Fagan, has been the choreography for Junior Miss for the last six years.

After being arrested on Friday, he showed up to work today. His dance studio is open for business and parents that refuse to believe the allegations are dropping their children off. Parents and those close to Fagan are slamming internet message boards claiming the accusers are merely angry young girls.

The polarization of issues like this are bizarre to watch. You've got two sides of guilty-until-innocent in cases like these: One ready to throw the book at the accused and another set ready to discredit the accusers at any chance. And the dialogue is rarely conducive.

Ghost Riding

2007-07-16T12:06:00.000-07:00

Old folks have too much time on their hands... And like restless teenagers, they usually get up to no good...

Celebrities take the time out of their days to sit at computers too...

2007-07-14T11:25:00.001-07:00

EW has come out with report cards for the 20 best and worst celebrity blogs (via PopCandy).

Who knew that Jeff Bridges and Kevin Smith ran blogs? Smith's is pretty entertaining, especially his most recent post about his guilty feelings over the death of film critic Joel Spiegal. The content at Bridges' is boring but his drawings are pretty rad.

Here are a few other decent celebrity blogs.

Zach Braff
Alyssa Milano
Rosie O'Donnell
Jenna Fischer
Alec Baldwin
Margaret Cho

J. Walter Weathermen says...

2007-07-14T10:23:00.000-07:00

"And that's why you never run in front of bulls!"

I'm really sorry I pointed a gun at your daughter's head...

2007-07-14T09:15:00.000-07:00

Gimme yer money or I'll blow yer daughter's head off.

Well, sure I guess I'd like some wine.

Wow. That's good wine. Damn good wine.

Oooooh, Camembert cheese. I love Camembert cheese. Can I? Mmmmmmm.

More wine? Yes, please.

I really think this was a big mistake. I'm sorry I pointed a gun at yer daughter's head.

Do you think we could hug? Like a group hug?

***

(from Attempted robbery ends in group hug)

More Advertising, Like WTF?

2007-07-13T15:44:00.001-07:00

So, yeah, like WTF was that? Well, that was an ad for Mac's Frosters WTF. A Froster is like a Slurpee, but Canadian. And WTF is a flavor like Wild Cherry, but Canadian.

Convenient stores in Canada are so hip.

Also check out their ads called Mr. Tree, Robot Love, and Hate Crime. There's about a dozen of these weird little ads.

Wieners Are Very Effective Advertising Tools

2007-07-13T12:21:00.000-07:00

Some ad executive somewhere in some office on the 58th floor thought this would be a good idea. I, for one, agree.

from GiggleSugar

LebowskiFest... They've only had 6 of these?

2007-07-13T10:31:00.000-07:00

The 6th Annual Lebowski Fest will be held in Louisville, Kentucky soon. And they've scheduled Vietnam! to play. Whenever I hear about these I want to go... Then I realize that Lebowski jokes got old four years ago and the thought of every overweight dude acting like he's Walter Sobchack is a little annoying... Yeah yeah, we get it. It's a Pomeranian. You're not taking it bowling. It's not taking our turn. It has papers. It's a showdog. Yadda yadda.

Oh well. Here's an overAcheiver at the South Pole.

He's Tall and He's Married

2007-07-13T10:18:00.000-07:00

And you may know him as the really tall dude that saved the dolphins by yanking the plastic out of their stomachs with his really long arms, but he's more than that. He's the world's tallest man and he just got married (via YahooNews).

RealDolls and the Guys that Love Them

2007-07-12T18:54:00.000-07:00

I heard about RealDolls a couple years ago but I never ventured to their website... and when I did, whooooo boy, did I have a good ol time.

First off, RealDolls claim to make the world's finest love dolls. They're life size and weigh about 100 pounds, a little heavier than the average female. And they generally cost about $6,500. But before you say No Way, I'd Never!!! just take a gander at the features...

Look at that boob action!

Yay!!!

Also, RealDolls uses a unique layering painting technique. Gone are the days of LAME-O monochrome sex dolls (BOOOOO!!!!) and here are the grand days of the most realistic looking tan lines in the entire WORLD .

Yay and Yay!!!!

Other options include all sorts of pubic hair and color patterns, hair style and color, 20 different faces to choose from, and MANY MANY MORE!!!!

Here's mine that I made (which happens to look a lot like my best friend's girlfriend, strangely enough... Sorry, Bradles.)

Recently, RealDolls also began selling dolls with she-male options.

Yay, Yay, and YAY!!!

And don't fret ladies, they make a dude doll, too!!! You can choose between a 2" cock (why in the hell would you?), a 7 incher (maybe), and a 9 incher (of course!!!).

And finally, if $6,500 is a bit steep for you, you can purchase a torso equipped with vag or cock. Or, even cheaper, you can buy a booby ball for $20. But why buy one when you can get two for $30?

Yay, yay, yay, and YAY!!!!

***

But it doesn't end at the website. Nope. Because the big elephant in the room that I haven't talked about, is just what kind of relationships do folks have with their dolls? Well, a friend recently stumbled across a documentary about RealDoll owners. Canyoubelieveit??? It's the movie I would have made years ago if only I had the equipment... Well, anyway, someone beat me to it and they did a pretty fine job.

So, without further pomp and circumstance, I give you Guys and Dolls:

(Keep an eye out for this quote: "Looks destroyed to me. Shit. I'm running out of vaginas.")

Move Over YouTube!

2007-07-12T17:23:00.000-07:00

YouTube has worked its way into our collective lexicon, similar to google. But, like any other ginourmous service, it's leaving something to be desired from many subpopulations. Where do these subgroups turn to for refuge and identity?

Enter JewTube. Finally, a website for Jews to post Jew related videos. You know, about Jewish things, like overbearing mothers, Kabbalah, Borat, and Hebrew Hotties.

There's also a pretty good Jewish version of Dick in a Box called Bagels and Lox.

Unfortunately, I couldn't find any Woody Allen videos... or Philip Roth references... Ah well... give it time, I suppose.

Enjoy.

And the last man standing is...

2007-07-12T15:44:00.000-07:00

Julio Franco got DFAd today by the Mets... This means that, for now at least, Roger Clemens is the only active MLB player on a roster in the original RBI Baseball.

So, all of you, run over to VirtualNES and play a tribute game of RBI baseball. Select the AL all-stars and put good ol pisshands into the lineup, either for Willie Randolph at 2b or for Schroder at catcher...

Larry David's Available

2007-07-12T12:27:00.000-07:00

The lead WTF story:

Larry David’s wife is leaving him.

For their caretaker.

Like, WTF????

But in all seriousness, are they going to work this into the new season of Curb? (The sixth season, by the way, is set to air Sept 9th.)

Citizens Against Breastfeeding

2007-07-12T09:51:00.000-07:00

And the video of the day is brought to you by Alan Abel posing as Jim Rogers.

breastfeeding leads to antisocial behavior “and in one case, Monica Lewinsky, who was breastfed until she was four years old…”

Gay Child Night at the Ballpark

2007-07-12T08:17:00.000-07:00

There’s nothing I would
rather do today than take
my son to a baseball game,
get him a free floppy hat
at the door, and watch the
Gay Men’s Chorus.

But apparently such “co-mingling” doesn’t toot everyone’s horn and the Padres are getting pinched by critics of their decision to host a gay pride night and a hat giveaway to kids at the same game…

cause cause cause there’s like women kissin each other and such and that’s like social engineering, or somethin.

(Watch the video below for some quality debate on Bill O'Reilly.)

***

Speaking of San Diego, how do you think those critics will feel after the city constructs this building downtown?

Yeah, I know. And the architect claims it looks like a flower... Of course, the architect's last name is Shapery...

Online Karaoke... This Time It's For Serious.

2007-07-11T13:56:00.000-07:00

For those karaoke-lovahs out there, here’s an online karaoke community for you to try your stuff. Follow the link to hear some folks' renditions of the great Dwight Yoakam’s Guitars, Cadillacs.

...

2007-07-11T12:45:00.000-07:00

Woman takes 72 hours to prep for a date...

Pro-Life, the Horror Movie

2007-07-11T12:03:00.000-07:00

Let’s rent this film, like now. Demon rape baby.
Anti-abortion whackos. Thank you, John Carpenter.

King Douchuous IV

2007-07-11T10:32:00.000-07:00

Every dude knows the feeling--no matter what kinda quality tail he pulls. Every now and then, he looks around the bar and notices some fine chicks hangin all over King Douchous IV. Hot Chicks with Douche Bags is a website devoted to those moments of jealousy and wonder. Check it out.

Who wants a free slurpee???

2007-07-11T09:31:00.000-07:00

I DO!!!!

7-11 is giving 'em out for frees today. (Get it? Frees. Freeze.) Happy Happy Birthday, 7-11. So, river gang, let’s hit the chain and hopefully they’ve got Sierra Mist flavor. If not, I’ll settle for Kryptonite Ice. Wild Cherry is for pussies.

(Clay is hit in the head by a Wild Cherry slurpee)

Hey, I'm not gay

2007-07-10T15:05:00.000-07:00

Roller blading is a convenient form of transportation, okay. And my shirt is off because it's hot out. Oh and Popsicles taste good, alright? Especially in the summer when you're bladin down the waterfront for Christ's sakes.

My Firefox weather toolbar has a flaming thermometer.

That's toasty, friends. So, find a cool basement with wi-fee and follow some links below...

***

There are no pink-pistol-totin lesbian gangs… and I’m really saddened by this.

***

It’s totally cool to ask for anal on the first date.

***

Syph is the new Herp. Yay New York!!!

***

And herp is the new smallpox blanket. Bummer for coral reefs!

***

I know I feel this way sometimes:

via postsecret

***

And the crazy tattoo photo of the week:

via It's Knuttz

***

Stay cool, playthings... or at least settle for kinda warm...

Me? I'm goin to the river river.